Friday, February 20, 2009

connected? or obsessed with loneliness

i have never been single for very long. i suffer from the need to be connected.... not always in the traditional relationship...but either sexually or socially. funny thing is the two rarely cross for me. its a little twisted. i think it shows a character flaw or a keen ability to compartmentalize my emotions. either way. at least i have observed the nature of these habits and why i may not understand them i am fully aware they exist.

i once used every ex i had for a performance. i found them out, called, emailed, texted, or showed up on their doorsteps. i became acquainted again...just to ask one question. leave me a message say what you need to say. but whatever it is tell the voice mail why we didnt work out. i didnt listen to the messages until i was sitting in a room full of people. i reacted to each... i let everyone hear what they had to say. some said nice things, others said i still had their stuff, one said i have a keen inability to let people love me, and my favorite was when one finally admitted that they had fucked our therapist. no matter who they were....they were all so different. the only common thread any of them had was i once shared some time space and commitments with them. i realized then my only type was interesting people. i have to first be interested in you as a person before i could ever be attracted to you. so it puts me in a weird situation of never dwelling on one person for too long. its not that i get bored. things just get to a point where they are stale. its not that 5am conversation that makes your heart ache so badly because you've connected.... anymore.

im a little obsessed with first kisses.

recently has been the first time in a long time. that i have regretted how i compartmentalize things. i never thought someone else would be pushed away by my ambition...what am i saying. it has happened before. maybe i thought someone who is as ambitions as i would not push me away because if anything they could understand. and they also seemed to compartmentalize thing very well....socially.

in not so eloquent words. i was dropped. out of left field for me. it was quite a blow to my ego. usually i would be out there that evening filling the void. and usually very successfully filling the void with the next whatever. it never takes more than a week at most. so i find it very interesting that a week later im not interested in filling anything. im not sure if its because im just being too introspective over this... my ego is a little bruised. or if i was really caught up on this person. im not really sure. but its food for thought.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

everyone is so obsessed with first kisses. I've been trying to remember last kisses. It's damn near impossible. the last kiss of each relationship...I can remember the last kiss of my first but after that it's a total blank.